Save the Whales, Eat People (for ethical treatment of animals of course.)

I stopped eating meat when I was 15.  I did it for three reasons – firstly to see if I could actually do it.  Secondly, because I thought it made me sound cool and deep and gave me a moral compass by which I could judge others.  Thirdly, and most importantly, it provided me with a rock-solid excuse for not eating questionable food cooked by others.  Not being rude, just vegetarian. 

I did the strict veggie thing for a while and then decided that Kurt Cobain was totally right when he said It’s okay to eat fish because they don’t have any feelings.  He wore cardigans, procreated with Courtney Love, took too much heroine and shot himself in the face – of course I trusted him.  Plus, if someone was willing to pick up the expense for some delicious lobster, far be it from me to not oblige by dipping said lobster in a bath of drawn butter whilst wearing a plastic bib.

It is no secret that PETA has become the Al Sharpton of vegetarians.  They are rebel-rousing attention whores that spend their days search for the smallest of opportunities to infiltrate their agenda into the blood stream.  Seriously, back in April, they tried to get the Pet Shop Boys to change their name to Rescue Shelter Boys.  Is there even a relevance to this request?  Really?  I know that should I decide to get a dog, it will be from the cruel and cramped cages of a pet shop solely because the 1980s synthetic music group that sang West End Girls is called Pet Shop Boys.    

In their latest gesture of spreading their legs for a big ‘ole dose of Moby’s Publicity Dick – this ad. 

Which has fat people and whales around the world in a lard-ilicous uproar.  PETA, of course, thought the message would be inspiring. 

To fat people. 

Who have gotten in this unfortunate state of fat by eating an overabundance of whales. 

And a diet without whales as your main source of protein (vegetarian) is the way to a fabulous beach bod.  Ummm….have they met my dear vegetarian friends named Pizza, Lo Mein and Queso Nachos?  Sometimes I mix it up and entertain them all in one sitting – I like to encourage diversity, ya’ll.   Being a vegetarian does not necessarily mean that you are healthy.  Or thin. Or a non-eater of whales – I eat a whale every year on my birthday.  His name is Fudgie and he is all parts blubbery and delicious. 

Visit PETA’s website and you will experience countless pages of Tawana Brawleys. My favorite – which is waaayyy too twisted and wicked not to mention…The UnHappy Meal.  Brought to you by McCruelty. 

The inside of the Unhappy Meal box is stained with “blood” and contains a “blood”-filled packet urging McDonald’s to “Ketchup With the Times,” a paper cutout of a menacing Ronald McDonald with PETA’s parody “I’m Hatin’ It” logo, a “bloody” plastic chicken, and a “Chicken McCruelty” T-shirt wrapped up like a sandwich.

Does the FBI know about these people?  I am totally unsure about whether I want to flip them the bird by eating a McChicken sammie in their honor, or go undercover and infiltrate their cult 21 Jump Street style, pretending to be their most rogue fighter of injustices to animals while secretly buying shoes and belts and bags made of hide.       

Like all good and decent people, I love all animals.  Except the ones that are snakes.  I hate those fuckers.  I, too, was appalled when the Eagles took Vick (though I am not sure where the shock came from – the NFL proudly boasts a roster featuring rapists, thieves, murderers and the worst offenders of them all…touchdown dancers).  I support a group on FB that discourages the use of dogs as live bait for sharks.  Er…I was going to join the cause, but come on, dogs as live bait for sharks?  I LOVE dogs, but that concept is kind of sick and awesome.  Let’s wait until they do a Discovery Channel special or at least make bumper sticker about it. 

Then I will totally support that.  

By joining the group on FB. 

And never using dogs again as bait for sharks.