It’s National Hobbit Day which is awesome because Samwise is my boss.

I have waited a long time for this day.  It is finally here. September 22^nd is National Hobbit Day and this year, ladies and gentlemen, I am celebrating.  Yes, I am a fan of Lord of the Rings and the brilliance that was Peter Jackson before he decided to redo that big ape movie. In the same really freaking long format he did all three Rings flicks.  Which worked for the epic tale of people, each of different heights and ear shapes, working together toward the greater good.  It did not work as well for the chick that falls for the primate.  I, however, am not one of those fans that has learned to speak Elvish, attempted a vacation jaunt to Mordor or has “One Ring to Rule Them All” tattooed around my ankle.  Or anywhere else.   It is only *rarely* that I block people from entering my office by banging a walking stick and shouting “You shall not pass.”

So, why am I celebrating National Hobbit Day?  Because my boss is a hobbit.  And not just any hobbit.  I am fairly certain he is this hobbit:

That’s right, Samwise Gamgee.  Cleverly disguised as a self-proclaimed digital marketing expert that does not understand Google Analytics.  Reasons I am confident that he is Samwise:

He looks exactly like him.  And it is not all in my head – like the time I swore that Eddie Money was sitting at a bar on St. Mark’s Place and I begged him to sing Take Me Home Tonight until he told me to shut the fuck up and left. This is for reals – exactly like the time I saw Henry Rollins (before he went soft) walking in the Bowery  and I followed him while performing the opening monologue to Liar as he sped up to try to get away. I did a photo merge in Photoshop (which was an extraordinarily high-tech process and as forensically scientific as DNA) and there was virtually no difference in the photo. (Note:  There is a slight chance that I may have merged the faces incorrectly because I really don’t know what the hell I am doing in Photoshop.  However, there is a much higher chance that he is Samwise.)

He never shows his feet.  Even on the hottest days of summer.  Even when forced to drink the company juice after work at a casual beachfront bar, he covers those bad boys up.  Why?  Because they are as big and hairy as Scorsese’s eyebrows.  I am certain of it. He once said “I have this weird thing about my feet.  I don’t like anyone to see them or touch them.”  Except Frodo, right?  Tricksy hobitses. 

He comes from the Shire.  Well, at least he acts like it.  He gets excited over the simple things – a ball that lights up when you bounce it.  Scented markers.  Panera Bread.  It doesn’t take much.  And if you remember from the movie, those Hobbits were excitable little suckers.        

He has mentioned Elrond in a conversation.  Hmmm…just said it out loud and realized that he may have said L. Ron.  As in Hubbard.  A hobbit and a scientologist.  How Hollywood.

I heard him talking about a ring. The ring.  He totally tried to cover it up – you know, saying he was talking about an engagement ring that he got for his fiancé, but I know better.  Why would he talk about an engagement ring with the fate of Middle Earth rests in his hands?

The evidence is solid.  My boss is a hobbit.  And apparently he doesn’t want any of us to know.  But it is kind of my job to make everyone aware of celebrate the differences of the people around me.  And National Hobbit Day is a BIG holiday for peculiarly thick little people.  While I respect the fact that he is not ready to be outed, I have a few tricks up my sleeve that will let him know that I am celebrating him on this high holy day.

 I showed up late, but assured him that it will not become hobbitual.

Whenever I reference a number today, I will say eleventy-first.  As in, “How frustrating – his is the eleventy-first time I have asked her to do this.”

I will light a sparkler in my office today.  I would do fireworks, because according to the movie Hobbits love fireworks, but he is totally not worth losing a finger over.  Frodo may have thought so, but I don’t.

I will speak cryptically, yet poetically all day long.  Like all of the Tolkien characters do.  I will find clever ways to work phrases into meetings and conversations:

After our conference call, I will declare “Master betrayed us. Wicked. Tricksy, False.”

At lunch I will bring him taters.  Because I know how much Sam loves them.

*Everything* will be referred to as My Precious. 

So today, I celebrate National Hobbits Day.  And I hope you find some small way to celebrate it too.  Even if Samwise doesn’t work for your company. 

P.S. – If this holiday is a success, I am confident that I can convince the company to celebrate National Serial Killer Day because this chick:

totally works here too and to celebrate we are going to make homemade shanks and kill our johns.