I don’t know who invented the community bathroom concept, but I feel pretty confident that whoever it was walked Satan’s Hell Hounds for a living. There are many things that, when shared, make the world a better place –a joke, scandalous gossip, my opinion. By design, these things were meant to be shared (especially the last two). The bathroom is not one of those things. If you have ever left your home, than at some point or another you have found yourself doing what is among the most private of things with a group of strangers. And while there is no way to entirely alleviate the atrocities of the public bathroom, I think there are several ways we can work together to make the experience a little less hellish.
The World May Be a Stage, But the Bathroom is Just a Bathroom
Do not make a public production out of going to the bathroom. The toilet is not a stage. It makes everyone uncomfortable to hear the laborious pushing and squeezing sounds coming from the stall next to you. Please do not emit audible sounds of relief or joy upon release. My money says this is not your first turn at using the potty and if it is, that is certainly not a celebration I want to partake in. Lose the sound effects or find the private handicapped bathroom. Not being able to go to the bathroom unless you are providing your own special effects track is a viable handicap and you have full permission to use those quarters.
Respect the Walls
I appreciate nothing more than a public bathroom that understands the territorialism of a restroom and fits the stall walls floor to ceiling. But sadly, those bathrooms are the exception. Most leave several feet of open space below and above the wall. The walls between toilets serve a purpose. Even if they do not reach the floor, the separation must be respected. I promise you that straddling the toilet is not a necessary strategy in getting your ace in the hole. Straddling only causes your foot, outfitted with a geriatric, soulless shoe, to cross into another woman’s territory. That wall should be treated like an invisible electric fence. And while I can’t feasibly install a system to shock you when you cross the line (because I looked into it and was told it is not possible), I can and will stomp on your foot.
Clean Bathroom = Keys to Heaven
Look before you leave. Seriously. Treat the stall you are using as you would treat the Pope’s robe if you borrowed it. You would never return the Pope’s robe with sweat stains and remnants of last night’s dinner on it, would you? No. Because then you would go to hell. Leaving a bathroom in disarray after you use it very similar, except hell is a smidge more imminent. The Pope is all forgiving. I am not. We have all suffered through a double-flusher at some point in our lives. And while it may be embarrassing and all telling to flush twice, it is far less uncomfortable than me being next up at bat and having to see your leftovers floating in the abyss. Here is where I might also offer a catchy little jingle about being sprinkling when you are tinkling. Not so much. If you pee on the fucking seat, clean the fucking seat. (Actually, that was far catchier than I initially thought. I am certain you will start seeing that sign in the restrooms of fine establishments around the county). Seriously, someone may have the unfortunate experience of having to pray to the porcelain throne in a public bathroom. If it is not clean, NO ONE will hold their hair.
It May Take a Village to Raise a Child, But I Prefer to Pee Alone
Conversations are meant to be had over coffee, beer, wine, Parcheesi. They are not to be had when you are letting any of these things leave your body. Especially Parcheesi, because I have to imagine that game pieces would be more difficult coming out than going in. Conversations between stalls are beyond awkward. If I don’t feel the need to speak with someone as I pass them in the hallway, I am not sure what makes one think we are going to bond whilst we pee in unison. Despite what you may think, peeing together does not constitute common ground or a shared experience. When it comes to the bathroom, I am all business – completely transactional. I have one reason and one reason only to be in there. And that is all I want to focus on while I am there. I have an unnaturally sensitive gag reflex (it is not uncommon that the mere smell of disinfectant makes me gag because I associate it with what it is trying to cover up) so I get in, get my job done and get out. I don’t want to hear about the goal your kid scored in soccer or discuss the awesomeness of Glee. I love that show too much to even consider discussing it in the bathroom.
If Jesus Could Wash the Feet of Strangers, You Can Wash Your Hands
Wash your freakin’ hands! WASH THEM!!! I don’t know how many times this lesson needs to be learned. How many hand sanitizer ads, swine flu epidemics and disgusted glares need to be experienced before people will wash their hands? Whenever I am in a bathroom at a restaurant and I see one of those signs that says “Employees must wash hands before returning to work,” I wonder to myself, do people really need a reminder? But then as sure as Kanye rushed the stage at the VMAs, I see or hear someone leave the bathroom without washing. And of course, before they leave, they touch the door to get out of the bathroom. And then following that, they touch any number of items that an unsuspecting stranger will also come in contact with – shopping carts, office copiers, a bottle of diet coke, ice cold and ready to drink. What blows my mind is how brazen some people are in not washing their hands. They do their business and walk out, filled with pride and covered in piss. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the system that you want to buck. Don’t pay your taxes, keep library books, steal candy from those open containers at the store. But wash your hands. Because next time I see someone that doesn’t wash their hands, I am going to become a living, breathing, audibly loud reminder sign that will help some unsuspecting dirty-handed member of the bathroom community learn this lesson the hard way. Through public humiliation.
Sanitarily Unspeakable
The word *sanitary* only applies to women’s products BEFORE they are used. Once they are used, they are extraordinarily UNSANITARY. In almost every bathroom I have been in there is a little metal box housed on the wall that is designed for the disposal of these decidedly unsanitary items. They should not be left on the floor, on the back of the toilet or flushed when it is clearly unflushable. Meaning only two people should ever have to know these are housed within the bathroom – the one who is disposing of the said item, and the sad soul that has to empty those little metal wall bins. That sad soul, who has to clean the unmentionables, deserves a raise big time.
These are such simple things. Easy things. Hygienic things. Think about the people that share the bathroom with you, against their will. One of them might be me or someone else just like me. Because I am pretty certain I am not alone.
I picked the wrong time to eat my granola bar when I read this.
Public johns are so gross! So many people do not wash their hands that it makes me think twice in shaking a stranger’s hands.
You should post this on all of the public sewer holes.
Sorry to have ruined your granola experience! I find it amazing that so many people don’t wash their hands. Fascinating, really. It is not difficult, it feels pretty good, and…oh, yeah – it makes you clean. Washing your hands is all win.
You are so right! I hate the pee on the seat! Wipe that crap off! Literally.
I honestly don’t know how people walk away from that. If someone walked into the stall right after me and there was pee on the seat, I would die a thousand deaths.
This one time at band camp..ok, I was in JC Penney, but anywhos, I really had to pee. I go into the bathroom and someone there suffered from your sensitive gag reflex. Someone took a massive poop and stunk up the entire joint, and this other person started gagging so much I thought they were gonna puke. Oh and did I mention I’m not so keen on the puke, I high tailed it out of there so fast and I didn’t even get a chance to pee. Bummer.
Oh and I’m totally all over the fact that no one should leave reminents of last nights dinner in the potty. Another time at band camp, ok my office, whateves, there was this girl who used to puke up her smoothies every day in the stall. Eww, gross..and more puke. Ugh, I need to stop using public restrooms.
@The Bare Essentials – hmmmm…..there is a slim (read: good) chance that it may have been me gagging in the bathroom. It has been known to happen.
Amen, Sister! To all of it really but one of my biggest pet peeves is when other women insist on talking to be while we pee. OR those women that accompany you to the bathroom but don’t have to go and then just gab away. I never know what I’m supposed to do. Ignore them? Talk in a clipped tone? Just suck it up and talk normally? They are my friends after all. It’s just weird.
@Marilyn – It is just awkward. And I totally hear you on people that just accompany you to the bathroom with no need to use it. Who wants an audience? Are you going to clap at the end? Plus, I don’t particularly like to hear other people pee. Call me crazy, but it does nothing for me!
This was too funny. I am admittedly not that weird about germs or bathrooms. I don’t know why, I just don’t give it a lot of thought. A gross bathroom grosses me out, of course, but I don’t gag or anything.
The one thing I AM guilty of is talking in bathrooms while peeing. Not to YOU – but if my gfriends and I go into the bathroom we will talk between stalls, whether or not you are in there.
@Vinomom – YOU, my friend, I would be willing to converse with through a stall! I think it is just ironic that someone will pass me in the hall and not say a word, but decide to tell me about a funny episode of Two and a Half Men they saw while in the bathroom.
No, you are not alone ONE BIT.
The grunting, oh if only we could just stop the grunting…
@Ashley – Right? I don’t understand it – I try to go about my business as quietly as possible, saving the grunting for other rooms!
Public bathrooms are so frickin’ nasty. I avoid them at all costs. Gross.
The lack of hand-washing is disgusting and so unnecessary! I hate it when people come to my house and don’t wash their hands – or, when you go to someone else’s house and there is no soap in the bathroom… do they not wash their hands? Ewww.
Right?!?! A bathroom with no hand soap says a lot about a person. It says “Don’t eat a homemade dinner at this house.” Ick!
Don’t EVER go to the bathroom in a truckstop – you’re better off on the side of the road if you’re road tripping. Seriously. The sounds, the smells, the overly friendly (read: desperate for anyone to talk with and lonely) women…. Ergh.
The non washing of hands…Twitch! I’m not a big fan of overly paternal laws, but there should be some kind of social code. Everyone goes hogwild with the silly string on whoever walks out without washing – something to publicly identify the offenders.
Right below the sign reminding people to wash their hands, there should be a sign saying “This is not the place to make friends. Don’t. Even. Try.” And I love the silly string idea – I just may be buying some today!
Oh my gosh you are so right. And the worst are the floaters. I am taking a stand. For every floater I see left in my work bathroom.. I’m leaving a tampon. In fact.. I know sometimes when you gotta “go go” you gotta go… but I feel like some people purposely wait until they get into a public restroom.
The floaters must be stopped. Immediately. I know it’s gross, but is it too much to ask that you check things out and give the toilet the All Clear before you leave?
Love your blog, this is too funny and too true!
Thank you so much!
This should be mass produced. Fab fab (fab squared) post.
When I go to a public bathroom with a new acquaintence, I’ll fess up to switching the fake me on by replying to her attempts to keep conversation going. I hear nothing she says, say nothing meaningful and walk away liking her less. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right, either. The good news is that I am pretty sure we are both right. Which is not a surprise really. Because we are both awesome.
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/10/five-star-fridays-edition-74.html
Thank you!! It is always so exciting to see my little blog listed among some of the top names online. (Though when I do, I sing to myself – one of these kids is not like the others…)
Hey hotstuff, I’ve got something for you over at my blog. xx
I am all filled with honor! Thank you dear Sassilicous One, you are all sorts of awesome!
My 8.5 year old son says that he hates the women’s bathroom because he is a boy and it is dirtier than the men’s room. That makes me shudder, to think that it is dirtier. Yuck.
See that – women’s public restrooms are corrupting a little boy’s image of women. Sadly, I think he is right. I would apologize, but that would mean putting myself in with the ranks of those who don’t keep it clean. Those women need to be held accountable. In the name of your son.
Thank you for this post! Hopefully some people will learn a thing or too! These are all very valid points and I just don’t understand why people do not follow these rules that I would think don’t even need to be spoken. Even if I’m in a stall where there is an automatic flush, I will fake several false sits and stands afterwards and will ultimately push the little button if necessary. Do people not know there is always a tiny little button to force flush? Because there is! And it’s there to be used!!!!
Many years ago I worked in a 29 story building downtown and would get on the elevator and ride to different floors to go to the bathroom. I did not want to be in the bathroom with people I worked with. I learned that early on after co-workers would ask me questions about a report while I’m about to do my business. Not cool.
This is why I avoid public restrooms at ALL cost. In fact, my tummy churns at the thoughts of having to be in one.
In college, sharing a small restroom with only four stalls with close to 30 to 40 girls was horrible. I saw everything you could possibly not want to see, hear, or smell in those things. Then I discovered a single stall handicap restroom on the first floor of my dorm that no one used, and I was saved.
I have had so much fun on this blogs. Thanks sweety for giving my the blog site. Love Ya
Hi,
I left you an award on my blog:
http://thesuburbanjungle.blogspot.com/2009/10/more-blog-awards.html
Found you via Twitter thanks to Follow Friday and think it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was just ranting about bathroom etiquette yesterday. Ladies…I shouldn’t know that you need to consult your doctor for a possible bladder infection…FLUSH for goodness sake!
At my office, we keep track of who doesn’t wash their hands post-bathroom use. We share the information with each other so that we know who not to shake hands with. If you ever come to my office, don’t shake hands with anyone named Bob.
All of these forever.
We have this extra perk to our sanitary boxes at my college. For some reason, there are students who think they should LEAVE THE BOXES OPENED WHILE IT IS OCCUPIED. I swear, a part of me dies whenever I go into a stall and find myself facing things I really should only have to endure during my own week.
Also, in addition to talking, comments about what is going on should be avoided. I am forever horrified of the time when I stepped out of the stall in freshmen year and my HA who was washing her hands, turned around and said, “You pee really quietly, Becky!” Why, thank you for noticing, why would you ever want to speak of that?